That One Time There Was A Warrant For My Arrest...

This is the last week of school before Christmas. I'm exhausted and there's a million things to do.  And, to top it all off, I feel like my head is a balloon about to take off. 

After taking the kids to outclass, I checked my email and saw one from my dad titled, "Warrant for your arrest".  The email said nothing, but had an attachment with it.  My father, the technological cowboy, had scanned a letter dated 11-30-10 and emailed it to me (without any sort of questions, scolding, or a lawyer's phone number). He has always warned us about getting thrown in jail-- we would be on our own, and not to make our one phone call to him! I was thankful he let me know I was wanted by the law, for it was in fact, a warrant for my arrest. 

I read the letter ten times before realizing it was real. I don't get service in my school and the letter was from Sulphur Springs, so I walked outside to the playground to call the number and hear what was going on.

The lady told me that this was about a ticket for outdated registration on a random highway October 23, 2004.  Let's just remember that in a few weeks it will be 2011.  Also, the address was my father's. So really, they could have been sending notices all these years and I would never know, because I'm pretty sure my dad hides from his mailbox.  I assured the lady on the phone that I didn't remember any of this, but that if I did, I would have definitely taken care of it!

Kindly, she gave me the number of the Judge in Bronte, TX. Population 1076.  He answered his own phone.  I went into my big spill about how I was sure I was innocent, laying on the sweet talk and "yes sirs" good and thick.  I had to pause for a minute while his computer booted up and he found my case. 

He spoke with a slow, southern drawl, "Miss Waggoner, this was so long ago, and I don't have any proof, and you don't have any proof, I think I'll just take care of this for ya." 


Annnnnd, I am no longer wanted by the State of Texas.  :)

I'd Pay 99 Cents

This marks the second time in four days that I have draped my favorite jeans over the banister to dry.  Twice I have driven through a silent but deadly type of monsoon that caught me off guard.  Isn't that why God invented thunder? To warn us about rain? Why isn't he using it??

Tis a transportational hazard. 

Hear me out, I am an advocate for Hurricane Season. It's my second favorite season. After March Madness, that is. :)

I propose that someone create a Jeep App. 

The icon would be a yellow jeep covered in mud. I mean really, would you want another color besides yellow? :)

The app could use GPS technology to locate the driver and hopefully the driver's open jeep.  If a big dark rain cloud was to suddenly appear, the trusty jeep app would use it's radar sensing skills and simply alert you to cover your jeep.  "Get your top on!" would flash across your screen and play, "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC.

And maybe on sunny days, you could click on it to check the radar and it would say,  "All Clear. Rock on!" You know, with a little smiley sunshine guy with sunglasses, and a thumbs up... real cute like.

And maybe in the winter time, when all jeep drivers are depressed, there could be a countdown until the first day of spring.  With a little sad smiley face bundled up in a jacket. "Too Cold for the Road. 23 days till Spring." 

Think of the possibilities: options to buy jeep gear, off road maps, driving dry-- away from sneaky dark rain clouds....

Just sayin.  I'd pay 99 cents. 

Glee Quotes of the Week

1. "Get out of my way, or I'll kick you square in the taco!"

2. "Why does everyone just assume I'm angry all the time? It's called sass."

3. "You almost married a man that was more gravy than he was man."

Retreat Quote # 1

Kathryn: Oh, I have lots of Coach.

Me: Oh, yeah? I've never owned anything Coach.

Kathyrn: See, Lauren- This is my littler one. My clubbin purse.

Me: Kathryn. Your clubbin purse? What clubs are you goin to?

Kathryn: Oh, you know. The Christian kind.

Me: There are Christian clubs? Like what?

Kathryn: You know. Starbucks.

Lookin like a foo whicha pants on da ground...

My remote is missing. Either a serial killer is messing with my mind, or Hurley has swallowed it whole.

What's That You Say?

When I was in high school, there were only a few kids to make up a small youth group. Occasionally, we took trips to the mountains, a lake, or to youth rallies. We didn't live near water, so trips to the lake were cherished with full attendance. A few church members owned boats, and one family had something we affectionately called a "water weenie." It was red and looked like it should fit inside a giant hot dog bun. There were 6 handles on the top side, enough for 6 people to sit and hold on for dear life. The water weenie was pulled behind a boat full of screaming kids and peering adults. The goal of the driver was to sway the weenie this way and that, causing as many teenagers to jump ship as possible. It was a complete blast, and generally if one fell, all 6 were sucked under water. We left with bruises, seared skin and burning lungs, but it was always worth the trip.

On one particular outing such as this, we hit the water. The sun was blazing off the murky lake. The wind swirled through our hair, and we were ready to ride. We piled on the water weenie and held on. We gave up only using one arm for 8 seconds, and instead grasped the strap with a death grip. We swished through the water and leaned left and right. My eyes were stinging with spray and I could hear those around me yelling and laughing. A faint voice from the back hollered, "RAE'S GONE!!" We looked back, and sure enough Rae was floating at an increasingly far distance back. We started waving an arm and yelling, "RAE'S GONE!!!!" to those in the boat. They yelled back at us but didn't stop. We were confused and kept yelling to get their attention. Finally, someone bailed off and they stopped the boat. Apparently the reason they hadn't stopped earlier is because they thought we were saying, "PRAISE GOD!"... well, it was a youth group trip.

This story serves as an intro for what happened tonight. My family and I were enjoying a margarita at our favorite Mexican food restaurant while eating supper. Our Spanish-speaking waiter came by and asked if we would like any more. We told him, "No thanks!" He said something in response, but we didn't understand him. He repeated himself twice and after the third, "HUH?" from my uncle, I decided to interpret for him. I spoke loudly, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!" Matt said to the waiter, "Oh!" and then, "To you, too! Feliz Navidad!"

Come to find out, the poor Waiter had simply informed us that it was still "Happy Hour" and not "Happy Holidays". HA! That's what I get for trying to fix things.


Praise God and Happy "Hour" and Holidays to all of you out there! :)

Corduroy

You know how people lose socks in the dryer? Well I don't. But, buttons fall off all my jackets. I don't own a jacket that doesn't have a missing button.

Tuesdays

Tuesdays are long. I go to work, work late, work out and make it home around 6:45. This gives me time for a quick pick up around the house and then take Hurley on a walk. Then, a group from church comes over. They are generally mildly annoyed by Hurley. Ok, mildly is putting it mildly. Hurley just thinks that they are his best friends who came over to see him. He licks and jumps on them. I tried giving him a raw hide bone, but that did not suffice. So, even though he had been a captive for nearly 12 hours, I put him back in his kennel while they were here.

After they left, I couldn't WAIT for a hot bath. You know the kind I'm talking about. Just a hair too hot, so all your muscles relax. And even though you ration bubble bath like food in a concentration camp, there's just enough scent to be euphoric. It was PERFECT. Finally, a break.

The door opens.

Did I mention Hurley has figured out how to open doors? A new trick. He scampered in there and perched his front legs on the side of the tub while wagging his tail. His head poked up over the side. This is somewhat normal, so I talked to him and left it alone.

The next thing I know I am being splashed in the face by his slimy bone catapulting into my luxurious, stress-relieving bath!

Tuesdays.

10 Reasons Why Visiting My Dad Is Like Going to Another Country

10. You wash your face with freezing cold water.

9. The toilet doesn't work without some manual maneuvering.

8. Food is scarce.

7. When you walk outside, you can't be sure people will speak English.

6. It smells.

5. You have jet lag when you go home, waking up at 4:00 am like your body became used to.

4. Antibacterial soap.

3. You have internet, but scarce cell service.

2. Normal rules and laws do not apply.

1. Spiders, bugs and mice.. oh my!!

How Do You Wash Paper?

When I was little I got carsick often. One time while on the way to Lubbock, I sat in the back of the suburban. I was a big reader even then and was totally consumed in a story. For one reason or another, my mother had given me ibuprofen. Well, about halfway down the road, I threw up. All over the book I was reading. To tell you the truth, I couldn't ever finish it. It smelled horrible. I could swear years later it still smelled that way. How do you wash paper?

This past Sunday was a long day. I woke up early and read my book in bed while drinking coffee. My sweet puppy accompanied this moment by laying by side sleeping. I went to church and then served lunch to the homeless at Impact. Then, back at the church I met up with Marty who was singing with his accapella group later that night. We visited for a while and then I left to get a smoothie. Back to the church for hot dogs and the concert. The concert was fantastic! Afterwards, I was glad to get home. Not to mention, poor Hurley had been cooped up all day. I took him on a short walk, hoping this would give him enough exercise to soothe him for a little while. I took a bath and hopped into bed with hopes of finally finishing my book. I prop my pillows up just right and allow Hurley up because he looked so dang cute with his puppy eyes. Well, about one paragraph into my reading, I decide Hurley needs to be on the ground. He was romping every which way and driving me bananas. So, I put him down and ignore a few whimpers as I continue reading. Finally, he decides to forget about me and starts running all over the house. I don't mind, because I am really enjoying my book. After some time it's very quiet. You know what this means. He's into something.

I guess I should start by saying that Hurley is doing very well with potty training. However, for the past several days, I have smelled something near the door that makes me think he's gone to the bathroom. I sniff around and investigate, but never find anything. As I crawl out of bed to search for my little darling, an aroma wafts towards me. THAT'S IT! He's really gone this time. So, once again, I attempt to find the "mess". It's no where to be found. Where could he have gone? I decide to get down on his level and sniff around. I stop when I get to my school bag, placed on the floor. HE WOULDN'T. Yep. That's where the smell is coming from. I am fuming as I pull back pieces of paper, waiting to find this mystery turd. My suspicions are not confirmed when I find an old bottle with the cap off. Hurley had not gone to the bathroom.

Oh, about a month ago, I had gone to a training and taken a homemade protein shake with strawberries for breakfast. I put it in one of those reusable water bottles from Target. It was about a fourth full and lay forgotten in my bag. Apparently, this is the smell I had been smelling all this time. Hurley had dug and somehow opened the cap, spilling the rotten contents into my bag. I am holding my breath at this discover and start to pull things out and lay them on the table. I can't simply throw these papers away, I need them for school in August! I start wipe them off and douse them in fabreeze. Then, I pour the bottle's contents down the drain. This opens a whole new can of worms, as now my sink is contributing to the smell. I pour bleach into the bottle and fill it with water to soak. Then I pour bleach down the drain. Not that it helps much. I am frantic to get this dreadful smell as far as possible from my house. I throw the nasty paper towels in the trash and empty the bag completely. I throw it in the washer and am fabreezing EVERYTHING. I have now spread the smell from it's contained bottle, to the entire house. What was I thinking?? I am very frustrated at such an interruption in my plans. I shut the doors to my room in hopes that the smell with not follow me there. As I get into bed I see a small wet spot on my comforter. Well, I know I didn't do it. With as much control as I can muster at this point, I take Hurley and put him in his crate. Then, remembering I still have to feed him, I get a scoop of food and all but throw it at him.

It is morning now. The smell is still there, even after more rounds of fabreeze and bleach AND emptying the trash. And, I'm stuck with these papers until I can make copies and throw the soiled ones away. The smell haunts me.

How do you wash paper?

Rollin, Rollin, Rollin

In beautiful Ireland, there are about 42 different shades of green. It is magnificently pretty. On our tour through the countryside, we bounced along little rural roads through fields and hills. On occasion, a spot would spring up that constitutes a photo. On our last stop, we parked near a farmer's gate to look out over the bay. We landed the massive charter bus on a steep incline, and used every bit of break power possible to keep from sliding down the hill.

Before exiting, we were warned to stay off the farmer's land. He is apparently known for spreading manure on the gate to ward off curious tourists. With that noted, we climbed out, snapped a quick picture and boarded the bus again. It was about 11:30 and hunger was setting in. The women I am traveling with packed fantastic snacks, AND they share. :)

After all had found their seat, it was fairly quiet (our chatty tour guide had yet to appear) except for the sound of Lori's voice offering peanut m&ms. We couldn't resist. She passed them to the seat behind her, and finally to us. After Lisa and I each had a handful, I attempted to pass the large bag of candy back up to Lori. My endeavor proved faulty as the sugary loot slipped out of my fingers and landed on the floor of the bus. Ordinarily this would not have been quite the tragic situation; however, as we were on a steep incline, the sound of marbles barreling down the bus echoed in the weary silence. Embarrassed, I ducked as all eyes turned to set accusations.

And THAT, perhaps, is why you aren't supposed to have food on the bus. I owe Lori some m&ms.

Blankity Blank Cussword, Four Letter Word

Miles above the earth, in the dark of night, when all should be sleeping, a passenger aboard a 777 became disgruntled.

The evening coffees had just been served, and I was busy fashioning a drug cocktail to help me sleep on the long, cramped flight. It consisted of Advil pm and sudafed. That should do the trick! My thinking was focused on making the flight seem as quick as possible, while setting my body to European time. I had planned masterfully. Comfy eye mask- check! Neck pillow- check! iPod equipped with John Mayer sleepy time playlist- check check!! What could ruin my full proof plan??

An UNKNOWN country band, on their way to Paris from Austin, happened to sit next to and behind us. At some point during dinner, a mysterious event occurred. At which, the hardly gentleman behind me became deeply offended. Consequently, for the next SEVEN hours he proceeded in using every form of profanity imaginable, and occasionally rammed into the seat in front of him. Ahem. It was "blankity blank this and blankity blank that. Four letter word, YOU!!"

I do think he had a very limited vocabulary, or the one that starts with F is just his favorite. Thank you, sir, for keeping me awake in a sort of drugged annoyance.

We made it to Paris safely, and went on to Ireland. At around 8 o'clock I had been awake for roughly 36 hours and traveled halfway around the world. Needless to say, I was ready for bed! Although it was still light outside at nine, I took another Advil pm ( to ensure sleep) and crawled into bed. Whew. So tired. I had no problem falling into a very deep slumber.

The next thing I know I am out of bed in a panic. "Lisa!!! Wake up!! We've missed the bus!" (Lisa is my aunt and roommate) She stumbled to her feet, grabbed her watch and said, "Its ten after ten. Why are we awake?"

Apparently I had no answer.

I am very confused at this point, when she returns from the bathroom and says, "Lauren, it's night time."

To which I reply, "Oh. I wondered why you weren't upset." And without another word, I got into bed and went to sleep.

Did you know it doesn't get dark this time of year in Ireland until 11?? I believe this, along with extreme exhaustion can be blamed for my delirious behavior that caused my poor aunt to wake up and get out of bed a mere HOUR after we'd been to sleep.

But if I'm honest, I'd like to blame the very rude dude sitting behind us on the plane. Blankity blank, YOU!!!!

The Big Bad Dog

I was going outside again. I go pretty often lately.  I get really excited when the the locks start to get unlocked. I move out of the way and hop outside.  I LOVE the way grass smells! I romp around and sniff the tree. Now it's time to do what I came to do... if only I can find the right spot....Mom isn't paying attention.. maybe I'll chase that bug... YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Right across the big white rock, I see a GIANT!!! He's enormous. HELP!!!!! He'll turn me into a taco! I'll just run back inside before he smells me. The wind was in my hair, my ears flapping by my side... I'm gonna make it.. I'm gonna make it.... almost home free.... SMACK.  Ah man, she shut the screen door! I hate glass!!  No one saw that right? 

- Hurley 

Boom De Clap De Clap

On the last night of Uplift there is a camp slide show consisting of shots from the entire week.  The lights are off and every time someone is on the screen, their respective youth group yells to show support.  Bammel's youth group had glow sticks and each time a member of their youth group was on stage, they stood and swung their various glowing colors, screaming madly the entire time.  (We were all quite a bit jealous of this. Where were our glowing sticks??)   

Sitting between Josh and John, I had many laughs.  After about the 6th light show from Bammel, John yells, "Blessed are the meek!" 

Josh is concerned at this and says, "Those can be used as projectile." 

John's rebuttal, "I now declare war on Bammel!" 

Some time passes and all sponsors are called on stage for thank yous. Bammel rises, wave their cheering light sabers and call wildly.  

As we walk up, John says, "It's about time I got some glow stick action."  

While on stage we endured screams at bright lights.  The entire week we have heard and used the slogan, "My name is ___________ and God loves me."     

I'll end with John's version,   "My name is John, and God loves Bammel."  

As a disclaimer to those who are offended by this post: We love Bammel... so much in fact, we want to be just like them.  So, Payton... Taylor... Courtney... and any others... no harm intended.  Loves only.  

Ohhhh Kathryn.

During Rec time at Uplift, a group of the teens, along with Kandy, John and myself, play phase ten.  Kathryn is one of the girls we play with. She is quite hilarious and had us rolling all weekend. We love her very much and thought these were some priceless moments: 

- "Hey, she doesn't have a man?" (This was to Kandy in secret regarding yours truly.) 

- "Wait, is the puppet talking, or him?"  (A ventriloquist was on stage) 

- "In God Time today, I learned that when a guy and a guy get together it's called a Bromance!" 

- "I had three hamsters and their names were Brian the First, Brian the Second, and Brian the Third. "   When asked why they were named Brian, she responded with:  "There was this guy that liked me that looked like a hamster. His name was Brian." 

- "Hey, I got 96, how bout you?" (This was regarding phase 10 scores, which are counted in fives.) 

- "You know, long distance relationships don't work." 

- "I think I'm ready to go home."   

 Why? 

" My Laptop." 

- "I have to listen to Ring of Fire every night because of my dad. You know, because the walls are so thin."  

- "And now you know what boys do in the dorm."  (In response to all the youth group boys hyped up on coke) 

Top 10 Reasons I love Camp Blue Haven

This week I am in Arkansas for Uplift. There's something about church camp that makes me think of my very own....   

My Top 10 Reasons for loving Blue Haven: 

10.  The Spring (if it ever rains enough) 

9.  Basketball during rec (minus getting hurt and the gay boot). 

8. The hour of rest -- Amen? 

7.  Mail Call (no one sends snail mail anymore!) 

6. Honey if you love me, smile.  (And the boys wooing the girls) 

5.  Hobo dinners (minus poison ivy)

4. Praying all day long... holding hands during each prayer.. and the ability to strategically place yourself next to someone cute. 

3. Hermit's Peak  (honey and peanut butter sandwiches and a nap under a tree) 

2. Marty Baker (My complete friend and Scraper King) 

.... DRUM ROLL  

1. T L C.    :)  (and everything that came with it... ) 

Sooo Not the Plan

Well, many of you that know me realize that this weekend was a bit full.  Perhaps that's the understatement of the year? 

My weekend is starting on Thursday, simply because I'm a teacher and I can do that in the summertime. 

Lessons Learned: 

1. Do laundry every week, instead of a bunch of laundry all at once. 

2. Don't procrastinate when you make necklaces. 

3. Toddlers need sleep.  

4. Adults need sleep. 

5. You know the french fries are good when grease spots seep through the paper bag... 

6. Midnight movies interfere with sleep. 

7. Brothers like crude humor. 

8. It's funny to you too... 

9. Family breakfast at the compound is worth it no matter how tired you are or how much you have to do. 

10. Pack a few days before leaving for a trip... 

11. Starbucks coffee is like a drug and will make life happier. 

12. The EZ tag is one of the best inventions ever. 

13. If you have a concert in your car while you're driving, the trip goes much faster. 

14.  Old friends make life worth living. 

15. You can't be in two places at once. 

16. You can't be best friends with married boys. 

17. Driving round trip in a day makes for a long day. 

18. Your puppy will still love you even after being alone for 13 hours. (don't turn me in, he had water and food) 

19. A mag lite and shoes will give the you bravery needed to go outside and flip the breaker at 2:00 am. 

20. You don't need a man, you can fix the air conditioner yourself! 

21. Learn to turn your phone off when you go to sleep. 

22. A wad of paper towels will grab puppy poop without it really feeling like it. 

23. You need stamps to mail a letter. 

24. 12:00-3:00 is an unnecessarily hot time to have a bbq in Houston. 

25. 50 years of marriage is quite an accomplishment. 

26. Cousins are most special. 

27. Sweat will ruin make up, hair and any good smells. 

28. Be sure to empty coolers before picking them up. 

29. Southwest will call you if your plane is delayed.

30.  12 year olds are a rare breed. 

31. People should not sing opera on planes. 

32. 7 minutes is enough time to change planes. 

33.  Sending a charter bus to retrieve 3 people is a little extreme. 

34. There should be clear exit signs for charter buses and their drivers. (Maybe neon flashing ones that leave nothing to question or speculation)

35. Parking levers can be manually moved up without the purchasing of a ticket. 

36. They come right back down before a charter bus can drive through. 

 I'm in the land of bare feet, kissin cousins and Bill Clinton. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Tree Roaches.. what?

Summer is the best time of year. I can stay up late playing and not care about the consequences of seeing 4:00 am. Unless, that is, I am required to be at a training at 8. Sitting in a class sleepily is quite indicative of what college appeared for me. As a professional, I suck it up and appear alert, coherent and interested. This mindset is persuaded by the promise of an afternoon nap and time to kill. On this day, my pantry was quite bare; however, I had the ingredients for a Lipton rice packet. I made the rice and was quite excited about it. In the middle of the day TV choices are slim. I could watch soap operas or crap. I ended up finding a documentary on a volcano that was about to explode. This intensely intrigued me and my carpet picnic was turning out to be a fantastic event. All until I saw the shadow of a moving object. Hurley had been banished to his cage, therefore I knew it wasn't him. I leaned over on the couch to investigate. Crawling up my curtains was a biblically sized bug. I watched it's grotesque wings and spiny feelers move up the curtains. WAS THIS A ROACH? It looked like one.. but I sure hadn't heard of one quite this big. And crawling UP my curtains? The idea of squishing this creature was not appealing to me. Something of this magnitude would have quite the carnage to display and that would require a bit of cleanup. No thank you. I put on some shoes and grabbed my broom. (There's something about going on a bug hunt with no shoes that creeps me out). I snuck up to the curtains, opened the door and started to whack the curtains, causing the mystery bug to crash to the floor. I overdid it on my first sweep, causing the massive bug to slide across the floor like a hockey puck. It was lost under my chair. I took a deep breath, moved the chair and thankfully found it on it's back... it couldn't run at me! Calmer this time, I swept it out the door. I then closed the door and locked all 4 locks. See if it gets back in. I am the boss of my house.



Someone later told me those things are called tree roaches... excuse me!? I didn't know they a) could get that big, b) crawl up curtains and c) get in MY house!!!!!

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad morning.

I kind of think mornings are reflective of the night.

Last night I told my best friend I couldn't come to his wedding. I knew this would be upsetting to him, but I had no other choice. It hurt my heart to do it. My stomach was in knots all night and I'm sure this contributed to my morning events. I woke with a start at 5:10. I am supposed to be at the gym at 5 to meet Kandy. (Sorry!) I was frustrated that I had overslept. My morning workout helps me start the day off with energy and freshness. I set my alarm for 6 and went back to sleep, angry with myself. I woke up and took a shower, dried my hair and was about to put my face on when my aunt called. She wanted to talk about pictures before 7 am. What?! I quickly got ready, running a little late by now and feeling a bit out of sorts.

Today is Cinco De Mayo... so I chose a bright blue ruffly sun dress as my attire for the day and matched it with some fancy jewelry. I went into the kitchen, made my lunch, and went to blend my protein shake. Lastly, it was time to make my morning latte. Normally it makes the morning happy when I have a coffee cup in my hand. Being spoiled, I use an espresso machine to make my drinks. I put the coffee in and started her up. She was chugging along and I felt like the handle was turned funny, so I started tugging at it to make sure it was secure. (I'm not sure why I did this.) It gave way and before I knew it, scalding, boiling coffee grinds flew with the little pot all over my hand. In my alert I started shaking my hand wildly to free it from the volcanic searing. In doing so, the dark brown mess flung all over my pretty blue dress. Happy Cinco de Mayo to me. I stuck my hand under cold water and surveyed the immense mess of a kitchen I had produced. I cleaned it up, made my coffee and scowling all the way out the door, spilled coffee on the floor before locking the place up tight. I was on my way to the jeep feeling a bit defeated and eyeing my charred hand, when a woman wearing bright green and yellow said, "Morning!" with a smile. Through my teeth I said "good morning" back.

I made it to school just in time for the bell, throbbing thumb, speckled dress and wind blown hair.

To quote one of my favorite books: "It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I think I'll move to Australia."

Confessions of a NOT-So-Tough Farm Girl

I guess you could say it all started over Christmas break. Everyone was reading the Twilight series, so I thought I needed to also.  After reading those four books in about a week, I was thirsty for something else to devour. Lindsay suggested that we read the Left Behind series together and talk about it. Well, there are a good 12 books in that series. We started sometime in January and she had me read ahead of her. That way, when I finished a book, I could just pass it on to her. The problem is when she's done before I am. Because then she's without the next book-- waiting on me. Well here we are a few months later and I just finished book 10.  She was supposed to bring me book 11 but forgot it at home. So, this is why I had to drive all the way out to her house to get the next book. And, because I drove out there, I had to kiss and squeeze and play with the baby. (my favorite)... I left and came home to eat. Admittedly, this caused me to be running short on time and instead of rushing to church, I just stayed home. This leads up to the point where I am relaxing on my bed watching Lost on my computer.  I decided to catch up on some past episodes in order to be ready for tonight's new one.  I was eating some truffle Hershey kisses and dipping them into honey roasted peanut butter, when all of a sudden something caught my eye. 

My heart stopped. 

And then it moved again.  In my haven of a bed, on my perfectly matching pillow, a spider was scurrying about.  I leaped with full force ejecting myself out of the vicinity.  What to do next? Save the computer! Save the chocolate! Save the peanut butter! Leave the trash.... put on some shoes... run around aimlessly.  And then, I remembered a poisonous spray I keep under the sink for wasps.  I grew up in the panhandle and we didn't deal with those much, so I like the poison spray that zaps them dead instead of trusting my aim with a big shoe. I quickly grabbed the can, a rag and ran back to my room. I inched closer and spotted the eight legged creature again.  I held my breath. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it echoing in my head.  I sprayed the projectile wasp poison on my perfectly matching 14.99 TJMAX down throw pillow and backed away to safety. (What was the spider going to do, fly up and get me?) The arachnid was furious with me. It scattered in circles and hopped up and down hiding under the pillow. (I'm sure it was hissing obscenities at me and spitting venom)  Well now what? I took a deep breath, counted to three and turned over the soiled pillow. And we were off to the races again! The spider took off running amok before curling on my bedspread.  I sprayed it again. This time I watched it writhing in pain, but it wasn't enough, it was STILL moving!!!! This was war. This house isn't big enough for the both of us.  I chased it onto the floor where I stomped it to its death. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!   

I won.  Sweaty, near heart failure, but victorious.  I grabbed shout and attempted to clean my poor, poor pillow. As far as casualties go, better it than me, though.  

I suppose my rough and tough upbringing masquerades me as being bullet proof. But, the truth is this: I would rather castrate a cow than deal with a spider.  

The end.